It’s been awhile since I’ve made a blog post. Things get busy, the days blur together and what do ya know, three months have passed with nothing posted. Of course, I realize that very few care, but for posterity, let me say that I hate when that happens. With a blog, with any site actually, it’s about momentum so here I am going for another shot.

In those three months though, I had shoved back into the far reaches of my brain the question of how to make this blog successful, what do I need? The answer came to me because of a friend, but I’ll get to her later.

Around the time of my last post in February, my ex-husband moved back to the state, in close enough anyway to get the kids for visitation. Within the first or second time visiting their dad, he said off-hand that he’d like to discuss them living with him. I didn’t answer, just nodded and got back in my car then proceeded to try and not to freak out.

Fast forward three weeks later and he contacts me about setting up a meeting. Trigger panic attack. I don’t get them often, but when they do I’m always shocked by it as if I can’t believe I’d have one. It’s impractical, but there you have it. After I got over it, with the help of calling my dad who talked me through it, I came to understand what caused it.

For the last three or so years all I focused on was getting the kids and me through surviving to living. From rationing my funds to ensure all the bills were paid and there is food on the table, that we have clothes that fit. Or as I call it, the bare necessities, simply because I loved that song from The Jungle Book, the original.

Why the panic then? Because after I had handled my business, what is left?

A little bit of fear

The answer came to me over the course of a few days with meditation and serious thinking. Almost like a shove from behind that said “wake up” and I realized the reason for the attack was that all these years I was spending time making sure business was taken care of I sorta forgot something important.

Myself.

Erasing FearI fought the idea of it for a little bit, but finally accepted the understanding of what that meant. While yes, during the whole time I spent surviving and pushing forward, I was there. Let’s forget the obviousness of it for a moment and take into consideration the mentality it requires to go from having your whole world crash around you to creating a life for yourself and your children in three years.

I’m not trying to toot my own horn here, but I am trying to display how I could have forgotten to take care of myself. All my energy was to moving into a place where I felt secure. Now that I had it, the idea of someone trying to ask for the children to live elsewhere. Panic.

No one takes my children.

Moving Forward

After realizing what I was missing, I was forced to realize there was only one thing to do. Go forward. I’ve never been a person who steps backwards. I might stand still, I might go sideways, but I never go in reverse. I’m simply not built that way.

I also have an eidetic type memory. What’s that? I’m glad you asked. According to the trusty dictionary.com site an eidetic memory is the ability to recall images with vividness bordering on actual visual perception. It’s a memory type that’s easy to confuse with a photographic memory. A photographic memory takes memories like a camera does (hence the name) while an eidetic memory is in more than just sight. I can still smell the first home made bread my mom made for me. I can still taste the glorious dinner my step-dad had made of ham that finally convinced me that being a vegetarian is just not for me. I can still feel the joy at meeting the first basset puppy my mom and step-dad got with her cute little head poking out of the wicker basket to look around. Those ears were so cute!

Why is this important to the current situation? Because I remember each time I was pushed from standing still to running forward. Some were significant (a spiritual 2×4 one time) and others were minor. Sparks that spurred me to jump as opposed to falter.

This panic and realization about forgetting to settle my own fears is one of the stronger sparks of the group. I was forced to take a hard look at myself, at what I needed to do.

Leaving the last three months (or so) open to be discussed.

moving-forward.jpegI won’t get into details for this post, but in that short time, I find myself realizing that I’ve come rather far. The reason for this is that due to all my previous shoves, sparks, and down right smack downs that forced me to turn two eyes inward instead of one, I’m able to recognize it faster as needing to be addressed.

Because of that, I spent the last three months doing that, starting the process of moving forward to the next level of my journey. Sometimes moving forward is about walking, other times running, and this time the hunch is that I’m about to take a flying leap.

Leading me to the rhyme and reason.

Finding Balance

I’m a spiritual person. I’ve been a highly spiritual person since I was a teenager, that was after a short stint as an atheist. I wasn’t very good at it, but I gave it a shot. That lasted for three years then I was pointed in the right direction for me. Why is this important? Because this time I’m going to share that aspect of my journey. The one of spiritual growth.

To be more specific I’m going to be more well-rounded in my posts and I’m not going to shy away from sharing these parts of myself. So let me start with the elephant in the room.

I’m wiccan, well close enough that we’ll use that as a label. I suspect by the end of this most recent stint I’ve started I’m going to be less defined by a label and more of what I’m meant for. I’ve been a pagan since I was 19. I’m now about to be 37. This is not a phase, this is not an experiment. It’s who I am.

zen kieselsteine im wasserSince my life is now working on finding balance it’s only fitting that my blog reflect the same thing. Balance. To do that, I will share my physical, my mental, my emotional, and my spiritual changes and journey. I’m doing this because I’m compelled to and also to help me face that fear I’m working on.

I’ve been burned by those who fear wicca, fear pagans in general, even fear the unknown. I’m not an expert, I don’t have any degrees that say I’m one. I’m not even ‘ordained’ to be a priestess by any official marks of paper. I am one because of how long I’ve been on this path. I’m one because my soul says I am.

A little bit of hope

This new direction for my blog is to hopefully accomplish several things. The first is to no longer be afraid to share who I am fully. To put out there a call to others who are inspired by my journey to bear witness as I go forward, to help guide me when I stumble. Perhaps even help others who are walking a path that currently has some road bumps. I’m learning now the journey is more enjoyable when there are others on the road beside you. At the very least you get to laugh a bit more and hugs, hugs are nice too.

What do I hope to convey? The feeling that we’re not alone, that we all have the potential to be more if only we were to turn inward instead of outward. The world around us is bright and shiny, the world within us can equally be so.

My only wish at this time and hope, is that we can find it… together.

Blessed Be

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