The concept of time travel has always been a fascinating topic for many so let’s play a little game. I’m going to go back in my memories to December 30th of 2013. It was a crap day for me as it was a day that my (ex-)husband told me he was leaving me. There was a lot that happened between the dates of the 26th to the 30th that led to that night. Still that night was a hard one.
It started me on the journey I’m walking right now.
The little quips
In the course of a divorce, words are shared and hurled at us that can either bounce off, is absorbed, or slices through you. Hopefully the ones you absorb are good for you, the bad ones bounce off into nothingness. Sadly it’s never that easy and it takes time to work your way through the bad to find the good that should come from it. To learn from it and find a better person.
However, I want to focus on is the words that cut.
It took time for me to realize what they were mostly because they are the subtle comments, mostly said in passing that nibble in the back of your brain until they spill out of you, forcing you to face it one way or another. For me is one in particular that kept popping up when I least expected it. The complaint was so mild that it didn’t occur to me to look it… until it was echoed by my mother.
The complaint was: “You’re too loud.”
When you look at it as only those three words it seems as innocuous as one would think, but my mother expounded upon it. At the time, she had stayed with me for two weeks and had the kids come home to her while I worked. My mother and I have a very see saw type of relationship that never gets better, but never gets worse either. I was very proud of the fact that I had managed to get through the whole visit without letting her getting under my skin.
Then she told me in the last two days, “You’re too loud. When it’s just me and the kids, they are quiet, but the moment you come home it’s an explosion of sound.”
After I had asked trusted friends and family who I knew would be blunt and honest with me. The answer they had given me was whether it mattered if I was? yet, I still had heard the hesitation in their voice before they gave that to me. Perhaps I had imagined it, but I put it away. Figured it wasn’t something to fret over as I had bigger fish to fry.
Still, like all things that are subtle, it occasionally came back to haunt me. Little comments, statements, reactions even would have that voice in the back of my head ask “am I too loud?”
I got an answer to it finally, but before I share it I need to take a slight detour.
In another post, Mirror, Mirror, I had learned of a deep-rooted fear in relation to the children being taken from me. This is a baseless fear, by the way, as there is no way it can happen. However, like any fear, it morphed into an additional worrying voice that the kids will ask to go live with my ex-husband.
With them growing up, hitting the teenage years, it’s reasonable to consider the possibility they could ask. On Sunday, the kids had requested to stay with their dad that night and come back on Monday morning. I had agreed with very little hesitation. Still, after I had finished working that weekend (a different story by the way) that fear popped back up.
All right, detour finished (it’s the one about fear by the way)!
Monday morning they arrived and the three of us were in the kitchen talking. My son and I were preparing for me to go to work and him to go to his camp while my daughter was going to be home alone. Being a teenager has its perks after all. We were laughing, talking together then my daughter stopped suddenly and said to me “in the last twenty minutes, we’ve laughed more than we did the whole time we were with Dad.”
At the time I took it as a spiritual nudge from the divine and confirmation at how baseless my fear is. Because of work lately though I wasn’t able to give it more thought until last night.
Last night I was writing in my personal journal and was finally able to really look at the confirmation I got. Began thinking about how relieved I was and some how that comment about being too loud came back for another haunting. This time, however, something else happened. I was struck with the realization that it wasn’t about being loud. I mean there is loud and there is loud.
Okay, yes, I know there is only one real definition of the word, but I’m thinking more about context than definition at the moment. The context in this case comes down to the use of the word. I’m realizing that what some individuals are claiming as being loud is more what I call… exuberance.
Exuberance to me is about embracing the joy that lives within us. I like to believe that each of us has a part of our core that seeks the core of what life is. Happiness and joy because we are relaxed at that state. We are in the moment, at peace with our life as it is. It’s why we all seek to find what makes us happy.
My exuberance is translated verbally, which makes sense because so much of my life evolves around music and sound and voice. There is more to that story, but I’ll save that for another day.
In making that connection it dawned on me, that’s how I want to live my life. I want to embrace the little joys that ring out with laughter and hugs, with joy that comes with kisses and sweet words.
The joy that comes from family and friends, and also, the joy that comes from being at peace. That means, when and if anyone says to me again that I’m “too loud”, I’m going to say they are right.
I am loud, but I’m only loud with joy.